I get bummed out when other people don’t behave in the way I think they should…
We all have these (usually secret) lists of ways we think other people in our life should behave. If only they’d just do “the right thing” then we wouldn’t have to feel things like frustration, anger, resentment, worry, anxiety, despair, hurt, invisible, etc.
I tell people in my life I need or want them to do certain things or NOT do certain things. And they usually do what they want anyway. WTF.
There’s 3 KEY things you need to know here: there’s you, the other person who may be doing things you find hurtful or annoying and then there’s the person you wish they would be.
Except… that person you think they “could” be if they’d only listen to & “see” you, isn’t real. The person in front of you is. But we cling to who they should and could be.
Between you and that REAL PERSON is a sneaky little thing that makes all humans pretty miserable in relationships – called a MANUAL. Yep. Your list of the ways of how they should show up to you.
If you have ever found yourself saying or thinking anything about a person with the word SHOULD or SHOULDN’T or NEEDS TO in it, you probably have a manual. I’ll bet it’s a nice thick manual. The other “actual” person may know about some of the pages (things you think they should do) in your manual for them and the things you want them to do (and they just don’t want to). Sometimes, you keep it a secret from them about some of the pages in the manual and just expect them to magically know that’s what you want. Is anyone surprised this doesn’t work???
All humans have manuals. If you’re human, you’ve got ’em.
I have manuals for my kids, my boyfriend, my parents, my Ex, the government… everyone. 📕If you find yourself going back to the same complaints about someone in your life over and over… that’s probably a manual issue.
And I know people in my life have their own manuals for ME. And sometimes I play along with their manual for me… and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes, I just don’t want to (or I think it’s crazy they are expecting that of me).
Manuals tend to prevent us from having the connection and sense of belonging that we crave. They also give ALL the power over our emotional life to someone other than ourselves.
If that’s happening then it’s time to pull that manual out and look at every “page” in it and decide if it’s useful for you to keep each page in it.
The other person is a grown ass adult and will do what they want to (just like you get to do what you want to). Yes, maybe what they do is “negative” but you’re piling EXTRA negativity onto the situation by being miserable about it. Nope, you can’t control what they do. Even if it sucks for you.
But you CAN decide how you want to think about it and that will drive how you FEEL about it. Our thoughts about a person or situation are always what creates our feelings, not the person themselves.
What if you were to look at the ACTUAL person who is showing up and seeing them AS THEY ARE instead of who you wish they were?
What’s often hilarious is most of us can barely manage ourselves yet we have these thick manuals for how others should behave.
I’m not talking about toxic positivity here…
I’m talking about ACCEPTING that this is what it is. Then deciding how you want to interact with the REAL person who’s NOT doing the things in your manual. Now you’ll really be “seeing” them.
The question here is … how does it help you grow, move forward, get clarity, move on or find life balance if you stay stuck looping on the pages of the manual you have for this other person?
Now I can HEAR you saying, but but but but! If I just “let them” do whatever they want it will be ugly and chaotic and I’ll be miserable. Guess what, when you are expecting that manual to be followed, it’s chaotic, ugly … and you’re miserable. AND you’re stuck in a loop. UNempowered. Feeling like someone else is causing your feelings.
What if you just dropped that big heavy manual for them? The best news is… you can actually have even more control over your feelings if you start realizing when manuals are in play.
That’s the work worth doing. My clients love the lightbulb moments they get when they discover all the manuals they have for the people in their lives.
STEP 1 is recognizing you have a manual for someone.
STEP 2 is deciding (with full awareness and liking your reasons) what you want to keep in the manual and what you can release. You’ll find when you stop white-knuckle-gripping the pages in your manuals that everyone involved feels it. Do NOT think this has to mean “giving in” to bad behaviors. It doesn’t.
Here’s a few questions I ask to help my clients sort through their manuals:
- Why do you want the other person to behave in that way?
- If other person did EVERYTHING on your wish list… what feels different for you then?
- Would you change your thoughts about the other person if they did everything in the manual? Would they be “more loving” or “considerate” or “reliable”?
- If they won’t do or change any of it… what does that feel like?
Example of a Manual:
- He should support me.
- He should spend more time with the kids.
- He should know what I like by now.
- He should be emotionally available.
- Ex husbands should be civil so that future graduations, weddings and other holidays will be cooperative.
- Ex should own their role in the end of our marriage.
- Ex should communicate calmly and reasonably.
- Ex should never use kids as a tool to manipulate a situation.
- (future) Ex should play fair in divorce
- Ex should do the things he says he would do during divorce
If you look, you’ll notice you have manuals for everyone in your life. Things they shouldn’t do: not be critical, rude, yell, leave huge ass messes or forget about the kids . Things they should do: offering to help when you can see I’m scrambling to get things done, put clothes in hamper instead of the floor, look at my face not your phone when we are disagreeing, or do something nice randomly to let me know you appreciate me.
Why do we have manuals for others? We try to create a sense of control. It doesn’t mean you’re a type A control freak, ALL humans have manuals. If you follow ALL of the pages in my manual for you, then I get to feel calm, at peace, secure and valued (or some other emotions I want to feel).
The next time you find yourself getting REALLY upset at someone in your life… your Ex, your kids, your boss, your sibling, even your friends. Ask yourself… could there be a manual (expectation I have about how they should be responding / talking / behaving)? Ask yourself WHY you have the expectation. What does it create for you to have that expectation?
My clients have told me that sometimes, just being able to notice that a manual is in play can help diffuse some pretty intense emotions.
Grab my Manual worksheet below to help you take an up-close look at your own manuals for the people in your life.
